Unfiltered Page 6

  It makes me feel secure to know Justine doesn’t scare easily, not even in the presence of hardcore tough women like my daughter. It doesn't bother me, nor Emma herself, that my daughter is indeed a bitch. It is just part of her personality, and it's never made me love her less. I know like Justine, Emma could take care of herself if push came to shove.

  At the tender age of seven, Emma threatened to kick the neighbor boy’s ass if he threw rocks at the little girl with a disability in our neighborhood. I couldn’t fault her for using those words toward the boy that had made the little girl who was under Emma’s protection cry. When confronted with the situation by the parents that had blinders on concerning their son’s action, I crassly said, “My daughter may be a brat, but she is not a bully like your son.” I had never been prouder than in the moment, and though she was hard to handle, she was given a gift and used it to protect those she feels passionate about.

  However, given a fight between Justine and Emma, my money is on the lovely neighbor who’s already snatched a piece of my heart.

  I remember for a second when Emma made her debut in my life and I will never forget it.

  My heart was officially living outside of my body. As I watched Annie holding our daughter for the first time and taking in every noise the bundle in her arms was making, I understood love worth dying for. It had only been a year since losing my parents and this little baby was the best thing I had ever done.

  Annie looked up at me. “We still have not picked a name, Nicolas.”

  “We thought she was a boy,” I mentioned.

  “True, so I have an idea. How about Emma Lois?”

  I hadn’t thought of a girl’s name at all. We were told this little girl in Annie’s arms would have a penis so we chose Jonathan Lyle. It made sense choosing that name and in that moment with Annie and our baby, I felt a presence of my parents I had not sensed since their death.

  “I love it.” I kissed Annie’s forehead. She had been a trooper. Not even seventeen and she birthed our baby naturally, refusing drugs even when the pain seemed horrific.

  Looking at my baby, I say, “Good to meet you, Emma. You will never be without love.”

  I remember the words Annie spoke last night. The anxiety of my fears is creating a hollow ache in my gut as I remember the pain I have caused those around me. Now I have another incentive as I look next door. The need to live a normal life with a woman I can share my entire world with has always been just out of reach for me. Now, I see normalcy almost at my doorstep. I want to grab onto it and never let it go.

  11

  Justine

  Frustration about pushes me over the edge. I work with the biggest bunch of fucking idiots my job has ever seen. One upside of my shift today is I don’t have to hurry home and make sure the kids are fed and their homework is done. Rose is a good student and only needs a little encouragement when it comes to her studies. Kai, on the other hand, is a mess. He only studies in order to play sports. Now, that is all Rafe’s concern, I try to tell myself. As I continue to work, my mind wanders to my children and the vacancy they have left in my heart.

  As my shift ends and I return to my car, I realize it has been three weeks since my kids left me, which happens to be the same amount of time I have been with Nick. I have grown to care deeply for him and love seems to be looming on the near horizon. This damn conscience of his is getting old but at least I understand he is in this relationship for something deeper than sex. Before my mind can fully drift to Nick, my phone rings and I see it's Rafe.

  I don't even get to say hello, Rafe has already taken off on one of his stupid long-winded monologues that I fucking hated when we were married, so I doubly fucking hate it now that we are not. He could never give me the two-minute adaptation of anything—except in the sex department. “Justine—Rafe here. Now, before you say a word, just listen to me. I am not sure the kids are quite ready to see you. They miss you, let me assure you of that, but I am afraid you are going to light them up for leaving like they did. I want reassurance that you won’t go all crazy on them and give them hell. They miss you, Tine. You are their mother, but you are you, too, so there is that.”

  What am I supposed to do, sit here and take this and listen to my short-falls as a mother? I can list them off without hesitation but to hear them from Rafe is more than a slap in the face. In his voice, he sounds almost happy to be crushing my soul. I turn on my street as I silently end his verbal assault.

  When I park the car, Nick runs out to greet me with an umbrella. The sky has just opened up and is crying as hard as I am. Seeing me in this state apparently shocks him by the way his eyes protrude. He grabs me close and takes me straight into my house. Sitting me on the couch, he only holds me as I unleash my hurt into his chest.

  I need Nick to hold me tonight, to comfort me against the harsh words of my ex-husband. This is part of being in a relationship, letting him console me as my muscles and mind strain to get closer to his skin. I suddenly experience an explosion as I murmur nothing that makes sense.

  “I have you, babe. I have you. It is okay.” He pulls me onto his lap and rocks me as my screams subside. When I come out of this state, I suddenly feel silly that I have let him see me this weak.

  “I am so sorry. This is embarrassing,” I say with a weepy voice.

  He cups my face. “Justine, you are important to me—too important. Don’t ever invalidate yourself like this. I will rock you every day if that is what you need.”

  I am quiet, sitting in his arms until I finally spill the entire rant that Rafe had dropped in my lap. “That son of a bitch. I want to go over there and tell him exactly. . .” I have never seen him turn to rage like this before. It is a little unsettling.

  I stop him and it is my turn to calm him. I simply take my hand and cup his face. “Nick, really, I am fine. Don’t do that. Just knowing I have someone in my corner means more than anything.” I have never experienced this before. Rafe never put me first. He never even put our children first. My mom’s focus was my dad not drinking himself to death. Even with Lore, she was damaged when she came to live with us and then she hooked up with Ryan the same day I met Rafe. Ryan’s needs always came first. In my whole life, I always came second, if I was in the running at all. Never first, never “Let’s be there for Justine.” Is this a flaw in my make-up that I apparently only let users into my life? Or maybe it’s that I am so used to not even being considered that I set myself up for this.

  “I don’t want to be alone tonight. But I am too tired. . .” I don’t finish my thoughts.

  “I will happily hold you all night, Justine. That is all. When we are finally together, it will be mind-blowing, but tonight, you need to be loved and I find it so easy to love you.”

  He leaves only to collect his clothes from next door. Walking into my bedroom, I quickly undress as tears still flow down my face. I have my back to him when he enters the room. Needing to say something to him, I can’t look in his direction for fear that he will see how scared I am. “Nick, this is going so quick. Too quick. The logical side of me says to slam on the brakes but I just can’t. Not with you.”

  I hear him unzip his pants and within a couple of seconds, he’s crawling in next to me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I can feel his skin against mine. He simply replies, “Me, too, Justine. Don’t put on the brakes. I want to see where this leads us. I’m falling for you, too, hard and deep.” He kisses my neck as I take in his aroma. “But you need to get a good night’s sleep. I don’t want to be blamed for planes falling out of the sky,” he says gently as he continues to hold me.

  “Goodnight.” Saying those words makes my heart smile because we are in bed together. Feeling his arms around me makes all the difference.

  As I am falling asleep, the images of Rafe’s actions don’t leave me peacefully. I think of the times that he really failed me. As I drift to sleep, the most vivid image fills my mind.

  It was fall 2002 and I hadn’t talked to Rafe in weeks, though we s
hared the same bed. His latest issue with me was the digs I kept on making at Ryan. “Tine, I have known Ryan my whole life, like you have known Lore. This is him and Lore is fine with their marriage. All you are doing is driving a wedge between you and Lore and quite honestly, you are doing the same with you and me.”

  He was always so fucking long-winded and could never get to the point without a slew of words. “When am I not pissing you off?” I asked, turning my back to him, walking toward the bathroom to brush my teeth.

  Nothing I did was good enough for him, although I did it all. I missed Kai’s teacher-parent conference that day when my relief didn’t show up at work in time. When I called him and told him, he was pissed and he claimed he couldn’t go himself. I begged but he refused to go but it was still my fault since Kai was failing math.

  I left dishes in the sink after dinner that night and he got irate. “I am not the only one that can load them up. I cooked plus I have the checkbook to balance.” I swear Rafe wanted hospital grade sanitation in our house. Where I enjoyed a clean home, I was all right with a few dishes waiting in the sink until the next day.

  His only reply to my statement was, “I don’t consider chicken nuggets and Kraft macaroni and cheese as actually cooking, Tine.”

  I crawled into bed as Rafe sat up, looking at me square in the face, “Justine, this is not working between us—you and me.”

  “No shit, Sherlock.” The next day I was driving toward Lore’s as I made a shortcut and found the house I wanted to buy years ago on the market. I made an offer that night and it was accepted. I had a house to flee to when I decided to leave Rafe. It was in that moment, I knew our marriage was over.

  12

  Justine

  The alarm wakes me at five a.m. I try to quietly move out of bed without waking Nick who looks peaceful as he slumbers.

  After my shower, I hear, “Where are you going?” A smile slowly grows on his face. The feeling I have with us waking up together is one few words can describe. In that moment, I sense forever is within my reach.

  “I need to be at work by seven.” He rolls over to look squarely into my face. “Just lock up when you leave.” I kiss him gently on the cheek and walk out of the room to let him fall back to sleep. What a good start to my day, waking up next to someone I am falling in love with.

  Walking into work right at six thirty-two, taking in a deep breath of fresh air, I pull out my phone to set it to silent. Before I can, it begins to ring. Looking at the caller ID, my heart sinks when I see Rose’s name pop up on my screen. Anxious that something has happened to Rose or Kai, I answer the phone with sweaty palms as it nearly slips out of my hands.

  “Rose, honey, are you all right?” I wait to hear my daughter’s voice, which I haven’t heard in almost a month.

  Without any pleasantries, Rose speaks frantically, “Mom, are you aware there is a strange man in his underwear standing in the kitchen just drinking a cup of coffee?”

  “I was actually sitting,” Nick sternly says in the background. “I know your mom; could you please put the knife down?”

  “Rose, you have just met my boyfriend.” My breath quickens, trying to visualize how this is playing out in my home. “Please don’t stab him. Can you put the knife down?”

  Finally, I hear Rose telling Nick, “All right, my mom vouched for you. Sorry I almost stabbed you.” Just like that, her frantic tone changes as though Rose and Nick are long lost chums.

  “Rose, what are you doing home?” I ask, snickering at the comedy of errors that is playing out in my kitchen.

  “I forgot my calculus book. I texted you this morning, but I get such spotty service out at Dad’s. I think we need to switch carriers.” I am wondering how her father’s cell phone service is now my problem and why she now needs her calculus book after almost a month without it.

  “Rose, can you please put Nick on the phone?”

  “Here, my mom wants to talk to you,” my daughter says casually, as if she had not been wielding a knife just seconds before.

  “Justine, I think this may top when you and Emma met,” he says, making light of the situation.

  “Good lord, are you all right?” I ask.

  “Yes, I am.”

  “Do you mind putting something on over your boxers in front of my teenage daughter, please?” I ask quickly, imagining Nick shirtless, like Rafe would be in the mornings before he got ready for his day. It is more than I want Rose exposed to by my boyfriend.

  “Sure thing.” I hear the amusement behind his voice as Rose asks him something.

  “Rose would like to know if you still have sugar-free hazelnut. Apparently, she is in the mood for coffee.”

  As I try to shelter myself from the cold morning air, huddled in a small entryway of my building, I also try to escape the noise while I listen to planes take off and land. Nick is silent for a second and then says, “I have pants on now, Justine. Oh, and just a second.” Rose is in the background talking to Nick. He turns his mouth away from the phone but I hear him say, “I don’t know about the creamer; she hasn’t told me.” I am still laughing to myself.

  Just then, I hear another voice. “Who the hell are you?”

  Nick starts laughing again. “Justine, I think I just met your son,” Nick relays with even more laughter in his voice. “I’ll let you talk to him.”

  I can’t stop laughing. Yes, these kids hurt me more than if they had taken a knife to my heart but they are still my kids. “Mother, what the hell is going on?” Kai speaks in his usually animated way.

  “Well, hello to you, too, son. You no longer live at the house, honey, which was your decision. I can have whoever I want come and visit me or stay the night. Now, can I speak with Rose again?”

  As Rose takes the phone, I say, “Rose, it would have been nice to know that Kai was in the car waiting for you.”

  “Sorry, Mom, I sort of forgot that little fact when I was waving a knife at your friend.”

  “Please be nice to him? By the way, honey, would you two be willing to have dinner on Friday?” I am not above using this little event to my advantage.

  “Kai, Mom wants to have dinner with us, which really is the least we can do after almost stabbing her guy friend.” Kai and Nick are exchanging introductions in the background. “Sure, Mom, we will. But can we go out, please?”

  “You mean you don’t want me to cook? Yes, Rose, we can go out.” I try not to take the comment as an insult since I’m not the domestic goddess that Hildy is.

  “By the way, do we have that creamer?”

  I am utilizing my breathing exercises from when I was in labor to avoid using the frequented word that is about to fly out of my mouth. “I haven’t been to the store, honey.” My humor is somewhere between hysterics and anger as to why the fuck I would buy Rose her creamer after almost a month of zero contact.

  “Why not?”

  Again, taking in a cleansing breath before I respond, I say, “Because I only need groceries for myself right now. I love you, sweetheart, please don’t do any more damage to Nick, and tell your brother goodbye for me.”

  “I love you, too, Mom. See you Friday.”

  Entertained by the image of the absurd scene unfolding at my house makes me chuckle. I need to tell Rafe before the kids do any damage. Rafe would explode at what I know would end up being my fault in some way. I hope that he might find it as hilarious as I have.

  I decide to skip Hildy, the born peacemaker, and call Rafe straight away. He picks up on the first ring—he is always nervous about the kids, too.

  “Justine, everything okay?” He’s probably shocked I called him after last night’s cluster fuck.

  “Yes, but I just want to tell you about a little incident that happened this morning at my house when I wasn’t there.”

  Fearing his reaction, I proceed to tell him about the almost unbelievable mishap. “I heard the whole thing,” I conclude. Hearing no laughter on the other end—it really is a sidesplitting situation which apparently,
he didn’t find as funny as me.

  “You really have to be more careful. How long have you known him, a couple of weeks? And he was alone with our kids, our daughter?”

  “I’ve known him for almost a month. And I remember another guy who once whisked me off my feet and I ended up marrying him.” I have given up that he would still find it funny, although sometimes humor is lost on him. “Anyway, Rafe, she sort of had the edge on him—literally—she pulled a knife. I think she’s all right.”

  “Well, it’s just irresponsible,” Rafe states.

  “They left me, Rafe! You helped them, and on top of that you told me to give them space. Last night you were the biggest asshole, dictating when I can see the kids. Plus, I didn’t expect them to come over, so don’t you ever call me irresponsible.” It is a good thing I can't get my hands on him. My body radiates with the fire that surges within me like an angry dragon. “By the way, we are having dinner on Friday. Don’t worry, I am not going to talk them into moving back. You wanted a chance to fix them and here it is. I just want to see my kids.” With that, I hang up. “Asshole!” I yell.

  After the debacle with Rafe, I look at my watch to see it is already six-fifty. Shit! I deplore being late. Before turning off my phone, I quickly text Lorelei the details of Rose’s attack. It will surely bring a quick dose of slapstick comedy to my best friend’s day. I run to the control tower, ready for my turnover.

  13

  Nick

  When I hang up the phone with Justine, the conversation ends and I am left with her kids in uncomfortable silence. When I realize all world problems can be solved with food, I suddenly say before I can think, “You kids want some breakfast? Your mom has nothing but I will make some breakfast burritos at my house.”

  Offering food to a sixteen-year-old boy is like offering food to my son-in-law. I see it is the way to his heart. Rose, too, seems eager for some good food, and the weirdness of what has happened is swept under the rug.