Unfiltered Page 19

  I take in the grimace on his face along with the big knot on the top of my head. Images of Rafe’s concerned face, the tears Heidi had, and Ryan’s hunched over body hits me all at once. “Nick, no, please tell me this isn’t true.”

  “Don’t get up, not right now. Just lay here a bit longer,” he begs me. He confirms what I remember by his trembling chin and slack expression. “You fell hard, sweetheart, and I am afraid you have a concussion.”

  “No, this isn’t true. No. Where is Lore? Where is she?”

  “Justine, I am so sorry. Oh honey, I am more than sorry. If I could lessen everyone’s pain, I would.”

  I immediately leap from the lying position and have to steady myself. “No, Nick, I can’t live without Lore.” He grabs my hand, and I start to sob as my thoughts shift to those others that love Lorelei, too. “Ryan?”

  “They’ve sedated him for now. Heidi has been with him, but she just left for Hildy’s. Rafe went over to your parents to talk to them as well.” My parents! My heart breaks for them for they loved Lore as their own, even my dad. “Rafe wants to take that burden off of you. Your mom and dad didn’t take the news well at all, but she has Madeline and the boys for now. Rafe is worried about Hildy. He headed over to the high school to pull Rose and Kai out of class.” He pauses as I process all the information coming my way. By the way Nick is talking, there is more, and I am not sure my head can handle it. “Derrick went over to tell Lore’s parents.” My empathy shifts from those who love Lore to anger at the thought of those two worthless excuses for parents.

  “I fucking swear that if they try to show their faces here, between Ryan and me, they just might not make it out of the house alive.”

  “That is my understanding, too, but he still feels that they should know.”

  My thoughts shift immediately to my daughter. “Oh, Rose, it would be like losing a mother. She loved Lore like a mom.” The only way Rose would ever learn the domesticated side of being a girl is from Lore. “Lorelei taught her to cook, shop, all that girly crap I don’t do.” The thought of Rose losing a mother figure sends a shudder of despair through my body. “No, I need to be there for that.”

  I try to catch my breath. “And Hildy, I know you mentioned her, but, how is she?” My stomach trembles as though vomit will surely find its way out of my body. I can’t think of something happening to Hils, and although she and Lore didn’t have the history we have had, they shared a tight friendship.

  Nick continues to share how this is affecting those dear to me, and I can’t hold it down a second longer. I sprint to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet bowl.

  As I am wiping off vomit from me and the bowl, I hear Nick’s side of a conversation before he comes to my aid. He steadies me, looking into my eyes when he says, “I am so unequipped to help him. I don’t have history like you do. He wants to see you.”

  Ryan is going to blame me for this, and he should. I should’ve been there. These are the only two thoughts that rattle my mind. If she didn’t feel she had to reschedule this appointment, we would have avoided that horrible turn. I used to live there and knew the dangers of that intersection that is always the subject of a town hall meeting.

  I walk into Lorelei and Ryan’s room, where less than two weeks ago, I had been helping Lorelei pick out clothes. I remember the speech he gave to Lore about how she was the perfect woman for him. Looking at the bed, the bed they made love in, it hits me they will never feel one another like that again. My knees immediately weaken and I fall to the floor, right in front of him. “Ryan?”

  “Justine...” He starts crying. “How do I live without her? Why? Right when I found out what a gem she is. Why now?” He is uncontrollable at this point. I can’t understand anything else he is saying besides him screaming ‘why’ over and over again.

  With Nick behind me, I only say, “I don’t know, Ryan. Oh Lord, I don’t know.”

  My heart physically can’t break anymore as I watch the faces of my kids ache in the realization that their lives will never be the same again. Rose’s countenance has changed in ten seconds as I see something as natural as swallowing her saliva is now labored. Her body crumples into itself and I find myself effortlessly in front of her, holding her up.

  Kai’s first concern is for Ryan. Nick quickly takes him over to the house to relieve the neighbors as everyone else is busy making arrangements, notifying others as Derrick is given the horrible duty of identifying Lore’s body. Heidi is with Hils at the doctor’s office because when her cramps and bleeding got so bad, Gladys ordered her in for a full workup.

  I still have not said much to Rafe. Rose asks for time alone and walks upstairs to her room while Margarite is taking a nap. “Justine?” he finally asks when we are alone.

  “Rafe, I can’t do this now.”

  “Well, when then? It will never be a good time.”

  “I just lost my best friend, you fucker!” I yell, full force, surprised I have not woken Margarite or Rose. Stepping back, I deepen the space between us. He shouldn’t want me near him now. Sucking in my cheeks to give me a little more time to react, I’m barely able to speak. With a gravelly voice, I whisper, “You want to know when I can talk to you about you fucking another woman when we were still married? Getting Lore and Ryan involved? I was supposed to be with her today, and I would have been if this big damned secret hadn’t come out.”

  “Tine, the marriage was over. Hell, you bought another house,” he says and I want to slug him.

  “Something you have never let me forget, either. You made that seem as if that was the worst thing I could have done, and the whole time, you and Hildy were together!” I say, blowing out a noisy breath.

  “I love Hildy, she is my life. But at the time, I wanted to save our marriage. That sounds absurd, I know, especially with what I was doing on the side, but she gave me something you never could.”

  “And what is that?” I ask, as if any answer he could give me would justify his cheating nature.

  “Desire. She needed me. You never did.”

  “You fucked another woman. You were intimate with someone else for how long?”

  “Is that important?” he asks.

  “Well, you are all about talking this to death, so yes, how long?”

  “Six months,” Rafe says, ashamed.

  I find that as much as I have cried, I still have more tears falling down my face. “And still you let me become friends with her? Hell, I love Hildy like I loved Lorelei.” As soon as I say these words, the gravity of the loss of my best friend hits me. I hold onto Hildy’s pristine white couch, clinging to it with a grip that leaves indentations in it. “Oh my God, I really have no one anymore. Lore is gone, and my last words to her were hateful and mean. The last words I literally spoke to my best friend were horrible.”

  Rafe comes up behind me to try to comfort me. “No, you don’t get to do that!” I say as I take the hand he almost touched me with and throw it back from me.

  Nick walks in and, overhearing the last part, I see a fire in his eyes. I am mad at him, too. He set this all in motion, but I can’t get this out, not now with Rafe in my face. Before I can say anything, he calmly says to me, “Justine, let’s get you home, honey.” He turns to Rafe, his voice elevated, “Fuck, Rafe, she just lost Lorelei. How dare you put her through this?”

  “And you made it worse,” Rafe says, and before I know it, Nick has coldcocked Rafe. Rose enters the room but pays no attention to her dad on the ground.

  “Mom?” Rose asks. “Can I come home with you tonight? Please?” She has her bags already packed. She only glares at her dad, still on the ground.

  Rafe tries to stand and replies from the floor, “Honey, are you sure?”

  Rose is as cold with Rafe as I have been. “I can’t be around you right now, Dad. But please let me know that Hildy and the babies are all right.”

  I look at Rafe as he tries to pull himself off the floor a second time. He took on the burden of my parents and has stepped up
in this tragedy, but then he pressures me about the affair. I have never been closer to wanting to hit the arrogant SOB, but Nick beat me to the punch, no pun intended. I look at the split lip and the blood on his shirt. “Keep me up to date on Hildy?”

  As Rafe stands, he walks over and affectionately touches my hand, and I see Nick jerk into action but he stops when I wave him off. “I will, Tine, and please know that I am sorry for the pain I have caused you. I really am.”

  Resisting the urge to yank my arm away from him, I walk past him without a word. My car is still at Lorelei’s, and I have no idea how I can face that house again without my best friend standing on the front porch to greet me.

  The one saving grace is that Kai volunteered to stay with Ryan for the night. I need Nick, Hildy needs Rafe, and Derrick and Heidi have the kids at their house. It is a blessing knowing Kai has Ryan taken care of for the night.

  As I call Sadie to request just one month of the six months of vacation I have banked up over the years, I know I have to check on my daughter.

  I sit on Rose’s bed, running my fingers through her thick ebony hair. Rose’s tears have yet to stop, and then I hear her breathing change. Seeing Rose is asleep for now, I tenderly place a blanket over her long, slender body and retreat downstairs to my new reality. Nick is waiting for me at the base of the stairs. Knowing me well, he says, “Justine, this is not your fault.”

  “Yes, it is. I should have listened to my mom. What happened, what Lore kept from me, it was what I wanted. I should have gone to her that day, but I wanted her to feel pain like I did and do you know why? I was mad at her for choosing Hils over me, or at the time that was how it felt. I knew Lore well enough and knew she would dwell over it for days until I finally gave in. I wanted my best friend to feel the pain I did. How selfish. How utterly fucking selfish.”

  He leads me to our room, placing me face down on our bed as he begins to rub my back and my sobs finally calm. “I need to talk to you about a couple things, sweetie. I just got off the phone with Ryan while you were up with Rose.”

  “Ryan?”

  “He needs some help.” I sit on the bed as Nick tells me Ryan needs help with the funeral arrangements starting tomorrow, telling the boys and, to top it off, help running interference with Lore’s pieces of shit parents. I am only surviving on adrenaline and know I have to work out the details of the last task as soon as possible. Still on my stomach, I decide to get it over with and out of the way. Nick helps me up, I grab my purse, and I walk to the door. Opening the door, I see my father standing in front of me. The day has been such a blur to me that it isn’t until I see my dad on my porch that I realize it is night.

  “Tinee...” This has been his pet name for me since I remember. “I am so sorry.”

  The one decent thing my dad has ever done was rescuing Lorelei from her abusive life. Of course, he would feel a loss, as we all do. For one of the first times in my life, without thinking, I embrace my dad. We are now both crying. “I loved that girl like she was my own.”

  “Dad.” This is all I can say. I am at a loss because this man I thought I hated is now comforting me.

  Pulling back, I tell him, “Nick and I are heading over to Doug and Edie’s for Ryan. He wants them to know the conditions he has set out for them for viewing and such.”

  “He is letting them come to the funeral?” My dad is shocked.

  “Hell no! He just knows if he doesn’t give a little they will just show up.”

  “Over my dead body,” he says adamantly. “Do you need help?”

  Nick answers before I can and surprises me. “Actually, Jim, it’s a good idea for you to come.”

  I don’t remember making it to the car, fastening my seatbelt, or the short drive to the Oliver’s house. As we pull onto the street Lorelei grew up on, I am flooded with so many fond memories of spending my weekends at the Oliver’s. After everything came out about Lorelei’s dad molesting her, my parents were concerned Doug might have hurt me, though they knew my spirited behavior probably protected me from the wandering hands of Lorelei’s father.

  “Dad, I think it’s best you stay out here for now. If I need you, I will come and get you. This is already explosive enough, and you know how they feel about you.” I smile weakly at him. He is actually here for me when I need him the most.

  He looks at Nick, saying, “He is a slippery son of a bitch. Don’t let him touch my daughter.”

  “You have my word, Mr. Staudle.”

  We knock on the door as my dad gets out of the car to make sure Doug Oliver knows about his presence. All I can think of is the day I had first realized the hell Lore had been through as a child.

  Edie answers the door and, as the memory of the last time I was here floods me, I want to attack her. Maybe I can find a lamp to hit her over the head like I did with Mr. Oliver all those years ago. “Justine? It’s been over twenty years,” she says, looking out to see my dad standing in their driveway. Edie Oliver is crying, but I don’t care. As a mother, she should have protected her daughter. I would kill anyone who came in contact with Rose in that way, including Rafe.

  “Can I come in for a moment, Edie?” She motions us in, slamming the door only after glaring at my dad. “Edie, this is my fiancé, Nick Wallace. Ryan wanted me to come by and talk to you about the funeral arrangements.”

  “Have you stayed in touch with Lore all this time? I would catch glimpses of her from time to time, my Lore. And that man seemed so controlling.” This is complete irony because Doug Oliver rules his house with an iron fist.

  “Yes, I have been just as close with Lore as I was growing up. Please know Ryan took very good care of her all these years. He always put her first and never hurt her.”

  Just then, I see the look in Edie Oliver’s face change as Doug walks in the living room. “What is she doing here?”

  “Doug, sweetheart, she wanted to talk to us about the funeral arrangements.”

  “Don’t you think I forgot how you were the one that took our girl away from us,” he says, staring me down.

  “And maybe you should have thought of that before you laid your filthy hands on your own daughter.”

  Nick places himself in front of me to show his protectiveness. “My name is Nick Wallace, I am Justine’s fiancé, and right now we are here to lighten Ryan’s load. He is wrought with grief, as you can imagine. He wanted us to tell you what options he is willing to offer you in regards to Lorelei’s funeral.”

  “Offer? We are her parents. We will be at the funeral,” Doug says.

  “Over my dead body,” my dad shouts, making a dramatic entrance in the living room of Lore’s childhood home. Looking at me, he says, “I heard shouting. Sorry, sweetheart.”

  “Oh, let’s talk about a deadbeat dad,” Doug Oliver says.

  “Yes, I was a piece of shit dad, but never did I put my hands on my daughter. You are going to listen to my girl, and you are going to follow Ryan’s wishes. If I miss Lore’s funeral to make sure you don’t get anywhere near her family, so be it. Justine, tell them what they are allowed to do, and then we will get the hell out of here.”

  Words don’t form. I am literally mute. Seeing Doug again brings back the memories of hurt Lore struggled for years to overcome. I look at Nick since my mouth is not working properly. He reaches for me. In his touch, I feel comfort, yet Nick still intercedes for me. “Ryan will set up a private viewing, the funeral home will contact you both, and the officiate will do a private service at the cemetery after the burial service. That. Is. It. You are not allowed at the funeral or near Ryan or the kids. He will get a restraining order against you if need be.”

  “You can’t keep us from our grandkids, especially now. We have rights.” Doug shouts.

  “Not for a known child molester or the woman who put her abusive husband before her own child,” I turn to say before I walk down the small steps of a house I hope to never have to visit again.

  I miss my dad by inches as I suddenly vomit everywhere. He places
me in the car, buckles me up, puts his hand on my shoulder, and sits next to me in the back seat. I hear Nick ask, “How is Marcia?”

  “She is not good. She loves that girl as her own. Hell, we have known her since she was five. I am a lot of things: a bad husband, a drunk, a poor dad, but I love my kids and I loved that girl. I would have never hurt them, not like Lore’s dad did.”

  They have no idea I am still very conscious. The thought of my mother hurting like she is makes me cry out in anger over the whole thing. Why couldn’t Doug Oliver have been killed today, I wonder. He deserves this, not Lorelei and those kids of hers. At seven, five and six months, only Matthew will remember his mom. I am not only grieving for myself but for everyone who will forever miss Lorelei.

  Dad and Nick help me in the house. Nick places me gently in bed, brings me a sleeping pill, and as I drift off, he holds my hand.

  39

  Nick

  I am positive I don’t have it in me to go tit for tat with Jim tonight. As we enter the den, I watch a broken Jim Staudle. It hasn’t occurred to me until now that losing Lorelei would be the same for him as if he lost Justine.

  Not sure how to proceed in my own grief, I walk over to the small bar I set up in the dining room to house all my whisky. As I pour Jim and myself a stiff drink, Jim looks up. “When it comes to those I love, I break.”

  I hand him Laphroaig 10-Year-Old, and Jim accepts it without any coaxing. He takes a quick sip and looks up at me, his face still wet with tears. “Shit, Nick, this stuff is top notch.”

  Sitting down, I am almost pleased with a compliment from my soon-to-be father-in-law. “It is an Islay Whisky.” The term is lost on Jim and I continue, “It is a Scottish island, known for its whisky along with a festival of malt and music. It is one of the centers of whisky tourism.”

  “Well, it is damn good. You know, when you said you had whisky for me I was expecting American-made crap, but I have to say that this whisky is a lot like you.”