Unfiltered Page 18

  “Honey, you are the kid, we are the parents. You don’t need to worry about us,” I assure her. “I am on my way home now. Just like any relationship, we will have to work through it.”

  Emma sounds relieved at those words. “Thanks, Justine, for taking care of my dad. He is a lucky man.” Damn straight he is a lucky man because I had wanted to slug him this morning but barely held back.

  Hanging up the phone with Emma, I stare at Kai’s response.

  Kai: Please come home. Jane and I are staying at Emma’s tonight. Nick is worried.

  In less than ten minutes I am pulling onto my road. I see Nick staring out the large picture window that encloses the glass like a piece of art. He is immediately outside, greeting me. “I was worried,” he says tenderly.

  “I am not leaving, if that is what you think. Sometimes relationships are sticky, and that is where we are. I have a long run this week, and now I have to get up early to get Jane to the airport in time for her flight. I want to take a long shower and head to bed.”

  Following close behind me, I hear him say, “So that’s it? We aren’t going to discuss this?”

  Biting my lip from what is about to escape my mouth, I say, “Oh, we will. Just not right now. After we get home from the bank on Wednesday we can sit down and hash this out until all hours of the night, but for right now, I am asking you to leave me alone.”

  “Justine, I am so sorry.”

  “I know you are.”

  “I can’t go for two days with you upset with me.”

  “I am not upset. I am hurt. Even if I made a mistake by not telling you about Emma, how does that justify you saying those hurtful words to me? You didn’t only hurt me; there are so many people that this affects.” The surge of anger radiates through my blood as if it is boiling. I sense his eyes on me, and as I turn around, I kick the wall, leaving me still furious and now hurt both emotionally and physically. I am stupid to let my anger become the focus of this discussion.

  “See, I am not in the place yet to talk about it. I still love you, and this doesn’t change anything with us, on my end that is. I need space for the next couple of days.”

  Tearfully, I retreat into our room while I begin to take a long shower. I hear him gathering his clothes and toiletries. I poke my head out of the shower. He is standing there, completely broken, crying. Though naked, I can’t help but have sympathy for him. Embracing him, I can’t say anything to soothe him but I do hold onto him tightly.

  “I can’t believe I did that to you. I completely shattered your trust.” I see the bags under his eyes and his posture slanting. He is truly broken.

  “You did shatter me in a way, yes, but you have done so much more to show me I can trust you. This one mistake is not going to undo all we have worked for.”

  “This is more than just a fight. I fucked up big time.” Nick pulls back, stroking me face.

  “Yes, you did.” I grab a towel to dry off. “But I can’t comfort you anymore tonight.” I sound brash, but hearing one more apology right now will not solve the underlying issue of trust.

  “Hey, Nick?”

  He turns back and says, “Yes, sweetheart.”

  “I am sorry about Emma. I know you hurt for her.”

  “Emma will have kids one day. It might not be in the way she imagined, but she will; that I am sure about. I am sorry I ever doubted your intentions toward my daughter. You wouldn’t hurt Emma. Ever.”

  In the kitchen, I make a plate of leftovers from the party. I reach toward my phone to text Lorelei.

  Me: Lore, I am home and safe. I am hurt that you knew all this time. You were in a bad spot. This whole thing is hard to process. I am not mad at you, you haven’t lost me. I just need time to get through it.

  As I take a bite of quiche, I immediately hear back from Lorelei.

  Lorelei: You scared the fuck out of us—don’t do that again. We had no idea where you were. Yes, I was in a bad spot. I am sorry for the hurt I caused. I would never have done that intentionally. I hope you can forgive me. Thanks for letting me know you are home and safe. I love you.

  Soon my phone starts alerting me of one text after another. I moan when I see who the most recent one is from.

  Rafe: Tine, I always just assumed you knew. It was one of those things that I thought we swept under the rug. We did some really messed up shit to one another. It is done though. It doesn’t excuse my actions, I know, but you were plotting to leave me, buying a new house and all. I am sorry for the hurt I caused, especially by involving our friends. But Hildy is beside herself and this can’t be good for the babies. Please just acknowledge her. She is absolutely frantic.

  My appetite is depleted now, and I am done with dinner, especially when those words bury deep within my soul. Dammit, Rafe, only you know how to get to me to do what you want for your pregnant wife. However, knowing Hildy like I do, there is truth to Rafe’s words, no matter how manipulative he is.

  Reaching for my phone and cursing myself as I play devil’s advocate, Hildy picks up on the first ring, just like Emma had. “Hildy, I have no desire to talk this to death. Bottom line is I am hurt, and I just need some time. I need you to give this to me but at the same time, you have to take care of yourself. There are two babies relying on you. They need their mama to be healthy. No matter what we are going through, they come first.”

  Hildy’s anguish is apparent as her crying intensifies, and all I worry about are those babies she’s carrying, which makes Hildy high-risk. “Justine, I am so sorry. I never thought I would come to love you as a friend. It doesn’t excuse my actions.”

  “Hildy, you have been my friend when others have walked away from me. I won’t forget that. I just need time. I hope we can find that place again. I am not walking away from you.”

  Hildy, still crying, finally chokes out, “Okay, sweetie, take all the time you need.”

  “Hils, please take care of yourself. Promise me?”

  “Of course, Justine.”

  “I will call you when I am ready to talk.” Nick watches me from the hallway as I end the phone call. I pass him going into our room as he follows me.

  “That was a good thing you just did,” Nick says, leaning against the doorjamb.

  “Hildy will worry those babies right out of her. That woman frets more than anyone I have ever met, well, with the exception of Lore,” I say. As Lore’s name rolls off my tongue, sadness overtakes me. This is the very reason I never wanted to investigate the truth. I am now trying to squeeze the excess toothpaste back in the container, which is impossible, and I fear everything will be forever changed.

  “Well, it was still good of you to do that.” Nick looks at me, sitting on my side of the bed. “You are my everything, and I can’t fathom life without you.” Nick kisses me.

  “Nick, I don’t want you to sleep on the couch. Come to bed when you’re ready,” I say. He doesn’t say anything but only gives me one more kiss on the lips.

  I am still deeply hurt by the hands of the people I trusted the most, but Mom is right. It is impossible to walk away from these people that make up my family. It is a fuck-up of mass proportions, yes, but all these people have been a part of my life in such a special way that this one huge screw up isn’t going to define these relationships. I am not going to allow it.

  36

  Nick

  My arm reaches for Justine, but she is already gone. My heart sinks until I remember she left early to pick up Jane at Emma’s house. The last two days flash back to me, and I am instantly reminded of the damage I have caused to the people I am starting to consider good friends.

  I have let down my girl, the woman who’s supposed to be my forever, in the worst way. I have had to endure a tongue-lashing from most of the females I hold near and dear to my heart. What was worse than hearing from Emma and Annette about how royally I fucked up was the phone call I received from Lorelei. She was not angry, but hurt. However, before she could really talk to me, Ryan took the phone from her and gave me hell
for how I made a volatile situation ten times worse than it already was.

  “I thought we were your friends. Yes, we were wrong to keep this from Tine. No doubt that is something we have to live with, but we did it to protect her. You hurt her purposefully. How can you live with yourself?” Before I could respond, Ryan hung up on me.

  Until Justine returned last night, I was going out of my mind. I didn’t want to sit still, though Emma cautioned me vehemently to stay put. “Dad, your temper has gotten you in sticky spots before. Keep your ass planted and wait for her. You did this to her, now you must deal with the consequences.” Not only was I embarrassed over my actions, but knew wholeheartedly that Emma was right.

  Annette wasn’t much more help. “You have been waiting your whole life for someone like Justine, and you just fucked it up in the most heart aching way. If that was me, your stuff would be on the porch and your ass out of my life.”

  Then there was Rafe to contend with. “What the fuck, Nick? How could you do that? Not only did you devastate Justine, do you have any idea what this will do to the kids? I have never justified my actions. It was a dick move but holy hell, now Hildy is in this with an already high-risk pregnancy.” He too hung up, and part of me could care less about how this inconvenienced Rafe. I do care about the health of Hildy, and of course, I’d never hurt Kai and Rose intentionally in a million years.

  I now lay in the bed that Justine and I share, understanding how my actions have affected those around me. I never shed a tear at my parents' funeral, though the hurt was as physical as a semi-truck striking me down. However, now I sit up, tears rolling down my face at the deliberate pain that I have caused those I care for most in this world.

  37

  Justine

  After safely getting Jane to her gate, the shift drags on. When it is finally time to go home, I don’t want to face Nick. I can’t fucking stand to hear him continue to sob about his mistake.

  To add more stress to my already full plate, I know for the sake of those babies baking in Hildy’s stomach that I will need to swallow my pride and call Hildy again. Even though we did come to an impasse, I know she is still worrying.

  Rose calls me on my way home to inform me that she and Jones are now ready to start having sex again. In knowing that Murphy’s Law is a fucking bitch, all I can do is laugh. I am relieved Rose feels comfortable coming to me about this, and I welcome something other than the drama consuming me. “What’s made you come to this decision?”

  “I know it’s only been three months, but it has shown us things. I see him in a whole new light. I am not saying I’m going to jump his bones tomorrow, but we are discussing it. I lusted for him before because if we are honest, sex is fun and he is so hot. I mean his body…”

  “Okay, Rose. I get it.” I can’t help but laugh at my daughter’s frankness. “Oh dear, you are nothing like me at all, are you, Rose?” I ask sarcastically.

  “No, Mom, not at all,” she says, laughing at me. “Okay, so besides the fact that sex is fun, I feel closer to him since re-evaluating our relationship. If I feel closest to him now, with this newfound respect we have for one another, how much more will I feel once we are intimate, feeling things for one another we have never felt until now?”

  I take in a deep breath. “Can we get together on Thursday and discuss this more? If you feel this is the time, I won’t stop you, hon, but I want to talk about this further. I have the loan meeting with Nick on Wednesday, and I’m helping Lore out that day. Can you keep your pants zipped until then?”

  Rose’s howl on the other side of the phone brings me joy, hearing in her voice a happiness I am all too aware of. “Yes, Mom, I think I can have that much self-control. By the way, what is going on? I walk into a room, and everyone becomes silent. I know you aren’t speaking to Lore or Hils.”

  “Well, honey, I can’t go into it. If you want to know, ask your dad.”

  “I have a feeling I know already, but I would rather live with the idea that ignorance is bliss.”

  “Yes, I know what you mean, and I wish I could get back to that.” Oh, how I fucking wish I could return to the land of obliviousness.

  “Mom, I’m sorry.” My heart melts because Rose does know. How she found out is beyond me, but Rose is not stupid.

  “It isn’t your fault,” I try to reassure her.

  “But Mom, it isn’t yours either, or even Lore’s. But again, I am heading back to my blissful state of ignorance now.”

  “All right, honey. Have a good trip,” I tease. “And Rose, thanks for coming to me with this.”

  “Sure, Mom, anytime.”

  The emotions of the last couple of days are crushing me like waves on the shore. Nick is working late and when I check my phone, I see Rafe is blowing up my cell like an atomic bomb.

  Me: I will be in contact when I am ready to talk, but until then, just please stop.

  I text Nick to warn him that I am exhausted and to please be quiet when he comes home.

  I wake the next morning, finally rested and renewed. Maybe I can be nicer to my co-workers today. I laugh, knowing that is unlikely. Work is slow, as most of my shifts will be until March.

  When I get home from work that night, Nick is in the kitchen. I have missed him terribly, and I know he still feels like the world’s biggest ass for acting the way he has toward me.

  The dinner Nick is preparing for me has invaded the entire house and makes me salivate with hunger. In the kitchen, I laugh when I look at the source of the wonderful smell. “Oh, Lore’s Crock-Pot is being put to good use.” Walking toward Nick, I embrace him from behind. “Hey, I’ve missed you.”

  He still looks sad, as if he is having a harder time forgiving himself than I am. “I missed you, too. It’s just a pot roast and potatoes. I will steam some green beans.”

  I take him by his hands to pull him in tight. “Hey, stop beating yourself up. I said I forgive you.”

  “I know, but I can’t believe I did that to you on the night we announced the start of our new life together. I should have come to you for comfort about the news concerning Emma. And I should have never been the one to blame you.”

  I lead him to our bedroom, sitting next to him on the bed. “I still want to talk about this, I do. I think it is important to understand how we both react to hard situations, but tonight I am spent. I just want to have dinner and crawl into bed and sleep securely next to you. I love you. That hasn’t changed.”

  He leans down and kisses me gently on the cheek. “I don’t deserve you.”

  “Well, maybe not,” I giggle. “But do you know what I have heard about fights?”

  “What?” he asks innocently.

  “The make-up sex is great!” I say as I stand in front of him, facing him and straddling his legs while I unbutton his shirt.

  “Really? Never tried it before...” He laughs as he unzips my jeans.

  “Me, neither. Let’s see if it actually works.”

  38

  Justine

  I know Lorelei too well. Lore is crazy with fear and the sadness of maybe losing me. In a way, I want to punish my best friend for choosing Hildy over me. I know in the wise words of my mother that it’s not that simple. In my heart, I have forgiven Lorelei but in this case, I want Lore to hurt on some level, too, just like I am.

  I wait until mid-morning to call Lore, just a little bit more time for her to stew. But at ten, when I can’t get ahold of her, I decide to meet her at the bank. On the way, I am bombarded by phone calls, but my hands-free device has been left at home and I have a cop following me. Fuck, he is really looking for any reason to pull me over, too. I forget about the calls and concentrate on not being pulled over.

  When I arrive at the bank, I don’t see any sign of Lore’s minivan. I go inside, forgetting about my phone. To my surprise, I am told that Lore had rescheduled her appointment to 9:00 a.m. but has never shown up. Instantly confused, I almost kick myself for letting this get out of hand. Lore knew I was coming with her, but to
not show up is unlike her.

  As I near Lore’s house, I instantly spot Ryan’s truck parked in the drive along with a couple cop cars and Rafe’s car. My heart stops. Jumping out of the car, I run toward the house when an officer stops me. Derrick tells them to let me in.

  I see Ryan sitting on the couch with his head between his knees while Rafe stands over him. Rafe walks toward me instinctively. “Where is Lorelei?” I ask frantically. “Rafe? What is going on? Ryan?”

  Ryan looks up with tears in his eyes and begins to wail.

  When Rafe approaches me with tenderness, I sense something is terribly wrong. “Justine, there was an accident this morning after Lore dropped Madeline off with Hils. You know that one blind intersection where people are notorious for running red lights?” His words falter, and he can’t continue.

  “Rafe, what are you telling me?”

  “Lore was killed instantly, Tine.” My weight triples, and I can barely keep myself standing up.

  “Madeline?” I almost can’t ask about this baby I love like my own children.

  “She is at home with Hils.”

  Heidi walks into the house and her tear-stained face tells me all I need to know. I faintly hear her ask, “What can I do?”

  “Call Nick,” Rafe says. That is the last thing I remember.

  I wake to Nick stroking my hair. “Oh good, you haven’t left for work. I am hoping you can take today off. We can spend the morning together before I head out to meet Lore at the bank,” I say, looking at him, relieved my nightmare is over. Our soft, steel gray walls are replaced with Pepto Bismol pink. Seeing Nick’s unusually sad face, my head starts to spin and my body and head don’t seem connected; it’s as if they are no longer on the same plane.

  His gaze changes suddenly at the mention of Lorelei’s name. I sit up and realize I am not in our room together but upstairs in Madeline’s nursery. “Justine?”