Unfiltered Page 20

  I am a little confused. Jim laughs at me. “What I am trying to say is that this whisky is unassuming when you first look at it. It looks like the rest of the shit on the shelf out there, but it isn’t. I thought you would be like Rafe, who I knew from the first was never right for Justine, but just as I misjudged this whisky, I misjudged you.”

  My eyes pop at this almost compliment, and Jim continues. “Now, I know you all had a doozy of a fight the other day. It happens. I get that, believe me. I am an ass, and I am lucky Marcia puts up with me. But you have something special, and I’m relieved you are here to take care of my little girl.”

  “Thanks, Jim,” is all I can get out.

  “Now, don’t go telling everyone that I paid you a compliment. I have a reputation to uphold here,” he says, sticking out his hand to shake mine.

  After he finishes his whisky and I listen as he reminisces about Lorelei, he says, “I better get home to Marcia. She needs me, and I intend to be there for her.”

  Shortly after Jim leaves, I realize I need to check on Rose, knowing Jones is with her.

  I knock on the door and immediately hear footsteps that are too heavy to be Rose’s. “Mr. Wallace, Rose just fell asleep,” Jones says. “She’s had a hard time, so I stayed with her. I have the rollaway bed here, and I want to be close to her tonight.” I raise one eyebrow at Jones as a warning. He continues, “I can crash in Kai’s room, if you would prefer. You can be assured sex won’t be something you have to worry about. That would be just wrong, dude.” I only nod at him because I don’t think he would take advantage of her.

  The truth is that I like Jones, a lot. He’s highly intelligent, and for some reason, I do trust his understanding of this situation. “That’s fine, Jones. I trust you won’t do that.” It is good to have Jones here to handle Rose tonight so that I can devote my attention to Justine.

  If I could go back in time, I would. After I heard Hildy and Lorelei reveal the truth on the night of the engagement, I knew I couldn’t sit on what had been revealed concerning her failed marriage. It would have been wrong. I wish like hell that I’d gone about it in a different way so that maybe then, as Justine told me, Lorelei would still be alive.

  40

  Justine

  The next several days are so physically taxing on me that the grief is swallowing me alive. In my periphery, I constantly see Nick surveying my every move. Persistently reminding me to rest or eat, he doesn’t understand this is me in crisis. I need to stay busy to lessen the burden on Ryan, which gives me great relief. As I work out every detail of Lorelei’s arrangements, I find that I am watching a horrible movie with an evil plot twist playing out in my mind. I hate to star in the movie, but it seems as if I have no choice.

  As we are making the final preparations, Ryan leans over with a small smile to say, “You know Lore. If we don’t get this right, she will come back and haunt us.” This is the first time I am able to think of my friend and laugh. It is true. Lorelei was such a perfectionist that I owe her a funeral she would be proud of.

  She was a stickler for every detail. Walking into her closet, I suggest the dress she wore for the last dinner party. “I can’t part with that dress, Tine, I want to keep it.” I can’t argue with his point. In the end, we pick a simple yellow dress, her favorite color that really pops with her dark black hair and complexion. It would cause Lorelei anxiety in the ground if we didn’t pick out the right dress for her to wear forever. I know that detail would be important to Lorelei, though I don’t care if the dress makes her skin pop. I want my best friend back.

  When it comes to flowers, Ryan is at a loss. Lorelei loves yellow, and it shows in every room of their house. I incorporate sunflowers somehow into the arrangements. Lorelei told me once, “I read that sunflowers can be used to remove toxins. They have become my personal toxin remover, plus they helped me to gain those in my life I know I can trust forever, like you and Ryan.” She never mentioned the specific poison in her life, though surely Lorelei was speaking of her own father. Sunflowers helped Lorelei to remember that the best was yet to come; in her case, the best was being with Ryan and raising a family along with me and those of us who had rescued her.

  “I want to have something after the funeral, but not here,” Ryan suggests.

  “Nick already offered to do it at our house.”

  With all the arrangements worked out, Ryan looks at me and says, “There is only one last thing to discuss.”

  “What is that?” My mind has been traveling too much to the what ifs of my own actions. Guilt still over takes my every thought.

  With tears streaming down my face, Ryan tenderly speaks, “Lore knew you loved her. She was so ashamed of having let you down.”

  I am trying to hold it together and not think of my actions that lead to my friend’s death. “Ryan, the last words I said to her were so cruel.”

  “Tine, anyone in your situation would have felt betrayed. Lore loved you, and she wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.”

  “Nick told you?” I ask.

  “No, not at all. I just know you. I know you too well. It wasn’t your fault. She knew you would ultimately forgive her.”

  With me crying, Ryan tries to ease my remorse. “Lore knew what you were doing by not talking to her. She understood that it was her penance. But you need to know that she rescheduled that appointment because that was the only time Hils could watch Madeline.”

  He grabs my hand affectionately. “Tine, I need you, I really do need you to get through this. Rafe has to take care of Hils first. The kids need you. Please don’t blame yourself.”

  “Lore is looking down on us mad as hell right now saying, ‘why is it that they couldn’t get along like this when I was alive?’” I joke.

  “You are right, she is pissed off.” He laughs at the image of his wife. “Good lord, I miss her so much. I can’t imagine life without her yet, but I don’t have a choice. I will never get to touch her again, or make love to her, or see her nurse Madeline, or read a story to Marcus, or help Matthew with his homework. She was the glue in our family. What do I do without her?” he asks, placing his head in his hands.

  “I am here for you. Nick and I, we are here.”

  Looking at me, he laughs through his tears. “Yep, you know Lore is swearing at us right now, if that is allowed in heaven. That is definitely what she is doing right now.” The image of this brings both a smile and a tear to my face.

  Madeline had still been nursing when Lorelei died. She isn’t sleeping and is crying all night long because she misses that connection with her mother. The boys are needy, too, not wanting to let Ryan, Rose, Kai, or me out of their sight. Ryan needs to hire a nanny, but the prospect scares him because Lorelei would be turning in her grave at the idea of a stranger raising her kids.

  Ryan’s parents were not much help. Having only met them on two other occasions—Lore and Ryan’s wedding and Derrick and Heidi’s wedding—I was surprised they showed up for the funeral at all. Never physically meeting their grandkids, they flew in from New York the night before the funeral and flew home an hour after the service was finished. Ryan needed emotional support, and all they did was throw money his way to help with all the unexpected bills that were piling up.

  Hildy is on bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy. She would have been the likely and willing candidate to help Ryan, if the fear of her losing the twins still wasn’t so real. I saw the hurt on Hils face at the funeral, but she was ordered back to bed immediately following because of the stress. She wasn’t even able to attend the graveside burial.

  I am helping out as much as I can before I return to work. I stay several nights at Ryan’s on the couch, soothing the crying baby who just wants her mother. Rose has been with the kids after school and seems to be the only one that can soothe the boys. Kai helps, too, mainly at the mechanics shop that Ryan owns.

  The funeral was hard, too hard. Ryan couldn’t let the casket go, and of course, as we had suspected, Edie and Doug Oliv
er had tried to sneak into the funeral. Fortunately, Derrick pulled some favors at the sheriff’s office and got an officer placed at the front end of the church so they were stopped from entering the building.

  Grief is a pain that hurts physically. I have no other way to explain it. It is absolutely the worst type of sensation I’ve ever experienced. I’ve pick up the phone several times with funny stories I’d want to share with Lore and at one time, dialed her cell number until I remember Lorelei would not be on the other end.

  My anger is building up and is always directed toward Nick. In a heated discussion one night, Nick asks if we could go to the bank to finish our loan processing. I bark at him, “You know, I just can’t right now.”

  “I know you hurt, but life can’t stop.”

  “If that was me, wouldn’t your life end?”

  “Yes, of course it would, and that certainly didn’t come out like I meant it to, sweetie.”

  My pain is so great, and part of me blames Nick for the events he set in motion when he spouted off about the affair. I need him to hurt like me. “You say a lot of things you don’t mean to come out sounding awful, just like the night that you told me about Rafe and Hildy. You know, the more I think about it, I don’t blame myself for how I reacted. I blame you.” I am not being rational, I know this as I know the world is round, but grief is not a logical process.

  Nick looks at me, and he is not surprised by my words. “I wondered how long it would take for you to go that route with me, Justine. I was cruel to you that night, like you are being with me right now.”

  “So, you acknowledge this?”

  “No, I just acknowledge that when you are upset you say things you don’t mean. We all do, like I did that night. But unlike you, I won’t let your words rattle me. I know you are mad, so if blaming me makes you feels better, go ahead and blame me all you want. I know you miss Lore, and if I were you, I would be lost, too.”

  He walks away from me but I won’t let it go. “It is not an act. And I don’t know if I want to continue my life with you.”

  “Justine, I am heading to bed. I would like to take care of this house within the next week. You don’t mean that, about ending things with me, but this conversation is over for now. I love you very much.” He walks calmly into our bedroom and closes the door.

  He won’t fight with me. I need to fight with him and to make him know that it is his actions alone that killed Lore.

  I hurt, and I miss my friend. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t want to talk to Lore. I am lonely, I haven’t gone to clear the air with Hildy, and I’ve never been very close to Heidi. I am upset with Nick. If it wasn’t for him, Lore would be planning our wedding. The thought of having an elaborate wedding that Lorelei should be in charge of is now not an option.

  I look at the couch. I can’t lie next to Nick tonight; it is impossible. I walk to the closet and get a spare pillow and blanket to make up the couch for the night. I am irrational, but at the same time, I miss my best friend and sister more than I can imagine. I am tired, exhausted. I forgot how draining small kids could be.

  The next morning, I wake up to Nick sitting next to me, staring at me. “Good morning. I missed you in bed last night.”

  I don’t say a word. Looking at the time, I yell, “Crap, I need to get going.”

  “No, honey, Ryan is setting up interviews for a nanny, and your mother has the kids this morning while Ryan finds help.”

  “What, you called them?” I ask angrily.

  “I am trying to take care of you because you are running yourself ragged. You haven’t even had a chance to grieve.” He grabs my hand. “Justine, we need to talk.”

  “I need to keep busy,” I say indignantly.

  “No, I am sorry. I am not going to let you go on like this. I love you too much. I am taking the day off. You have been avoiding me like the plague and making snide comments here and there. I feel guilty that my selfishness caused your last words to Lore to be angry ones, but can you honestly say that anyone is at fault for this accident except for the idiot that hit her?”

  “I do blame you, I really do,” I say candidly. “I know it is not rational, but this would have never happened if you would have respected my wishes to keep this information from me.”

  “And what would you have done down the road, if you knew I kept this from you after we got married? You were upset with everyone who kept it from you honey, rightfully so, and you would have been justified to be upset with me.”

  “Nick, I just miss her so much.”

  “I know you do.” I let him comfort me and pull me close. “I have never had someone like that in my life, maybe Annie, but that doesn’t even compare to everything you two have been through. You need to take time to get over this.”

  A spark of fury flashes in my eyes, and I pull away. “You just don’t get over your best friend’s death.”

  “Justine, you are taking so much of what I say out of context,” he says calmly, but his tone indicates his anger.

  “To get over it, those were your words.”

  “The grief, not the history you have with Lore,” he justifies. “Listen, I don’t mind being your punching bag, but I need you to talk to me. I mean really talk to me.”

  I can’t look at him, and I am disgusted by his actions that have gotten us to where we are now. Who am I kidding? I was fine before he came around, and I would still have Lorelei. Without Nick, I would have never found out about Rafe’s affair. I would have never blown up, and Lorelei would never have driven to the bank by herself. If I had been driving, it would be different. I know that turn like the back of my hand since I lived there for seven years before the divorce.

  “I can’t say that,” I say coldly before I walk toward the bedroom and slam the door loudly.

  41

  Nick

  A bitter taste grows in my mouth as I sit watching the woman I swore to love shut me out. In my cowardice, I find an excuse to leave her be, deciding I will indeed head to work instead of spending the day with her. I can’t have another fight with her so I lean toward the bathroom door and yell, “Justine, I am heading to work. I am going to give you some space today, but this is not over. Honey, I love you and we will get through this, I promise.”

  Justine doesn’t say a word in response to me. Defeated, I leave the house and drive toward the clinic. I am hurt over Justine’s thought processes but I do feel guilty, although I can’t admit it to her. Her words, though said out of anger, are still much easier to hear than the hateful words I spit out at her a couple of weeks ago.

  When I get to the clinic, Emma sees the despair in my eyes. “Dad, I thought you were staying with Justine today. We have everything covered.”

  “I just didn’t know where to go. Justine is blaming me for Lore’s death and part of me feels responsible.”

  Emma sits with me in the office. “Oh, Dad.” She embraces me. “I wondered when this would hit you both. She is so hurt and misses her friend. I know it sounds personal, but she is only lashing out at you because she knows you will take it. You really only hurt the ones you love.”

  “But part of Justine has justification. I tried to tell her I had a temper. I could have been gentler when I delivered the news or at least given Lore and Ryan the heads up that she knew about their part so they would have been prepared. They could have explained it better than I did. I don’t know...I am afraid I will lose her.”

  “Dad, just love her. No matter what you do, keep that temper at bay. She is finding someone who loves her unconditionally to blame.”

  “She told me she is not sure she wants to get married anymore.”

  “Dad, they are just words. She doesn’t mean it,” Emma insists.

  I want to believe Emma, but Justine’s words were laced with both hardness and truth. In that, I understand that it is a hurdle that will be almost impossible to clear.

  42

  Justine

  We continue to bicker and fight and I’ve taken up
residence in Kai’s room. After a week, Nick and I are barely talking, and I understand this cannot continue much longer.

  However, one week became two weeks, and two weeks molded into three until Nick couldn’t handle the silent treatment anymore as he walked into our bedroom. “Justine, I miss you. Honey, this can’t continue.” After a long month of my anger toward him, I see on his face it is affecting him.

  I ignore him.

  “Justine, please don’t do this. Do you want me to admit it? I feel guilty as hell. Does that make you feel better?” His voice is shaky as he stares down at his empty hand.

  I glare at him and instantly yell, “Of course not! It won’t bring her back, now will it?” My words are both cold and calculated.

  “Justine, do you want to get past this rough spot we are in? I want to believe we can, but we can’t if you won’t talk to me.”

  I look at him and don’t say a word as I shut the bathroom door behind me before I turn on the shower. It is in the shower that I do my best thinking. Hoping to stop him before he leaves for work, my heart sinks as I hear him leave the bedroom. He is always tidying up after I start my day, placing my dirty clothes in the hamper and starting laundry and such. I assume he is still in the house.

  I have to check on Ryan first before I go find Nick. Reaching for my phone, I say, “Ryan, you really need to make a plan. We all want to help, but I am going back to work next week, and Rose is completely behind on her school work. Hildy can’t help, and my mom can only do so much.” He assures me that he has a game plan but still needs my help until he has it in place.

  The last time I saw him, he looked different. The grief still showed evident on his face but I felt he looked better, as if he had finally accepted the fact that Lorelei would not be walking through their front door again.