Unfiltered Read online

  I see an anger blooming in his eyes that seems as foreign to me as an alien on earth. “This was not your decision!” he screams at me, this time startling me with the brashness in his voice.

  “You are right, honey, it was her decision. Get that through your fucking skull.” My civility is gone, and now I am just as furious. “Nick, I understand you are mad, but this is not my fault. Let’s go to bed, and you will see clearly tomorrow.” I turn toward our bedroom.

  I don’t hear his footsteps behind me, but I walk away with the desire that distance will give him perspective over the fucking idiot he is being in this moment. I imagine that in five minutes, his slumped over body, showing remorse, will be crawling into bed next to me. As this thought enters my mind, he raises his voice when he says, “Rafe and Hildy were fucking each other while you were married, and everyone knew. Ryan, Lorelei, even your mom.”

  I turn around quickly, almost losing my balance. Surely, he hasn’t said what I think he has. “What did you just say to me?”

  “They all knew, so now we are even.” He walks past me into our bedroom without another word. I can barely brace myself. As if vertigo is taking over my body, I scarcely get to the couch before I fall.

  I certainly had my suspicions, as I had told Nick on several occasions. There was the possibility that Derrick and Heidi knew and maybe even Ryan—but not Lorelei, and certainly not my mom. I remember the dream I had in Nick’s bed the first weekend I met him. My hand floats over my quivering lips as I realize this dream was a premonition of what would surely come. I am alone, and now I can’t even trust Nick. I cry but muffle the sound for the sake of Kai who is staying tonight with Jane. I don’t fucking care about Nick and if my strength was steady, I’d be packing his bag and throwing his sorry shit face on the street. He has intentionally hurt me because he, too, is in pain. I find this act of betrayal almost unforgivable.

  34

  Nick

  I watch her on the couch and the phrase “sleeping like the dead” comes to mind. How could I have been so fucking cruel last night? A switch was flipped, and I was possessed like that scene in Frankenstein. I’m not sure if I should wake her or let her stay passed out, hopefully forgetting the scene of events from the night before, blocking out the pain I caused a little bit longer. This occasion was supposed to be happy, a celebration of our future, but all I see is her engagement ring sitting alone on the dining room table.

  When I gave it to her just a week earlier, she told me, “I’m never going to take it off.” Yet, now as I look at it, I wonder if it will find its place on her finger again.

  I tried to warn her, but she never understood how bad my temper is. As Annette once told me, “It is like experiencing an orgasm. You don’t know the sensation until it takes over.” Out of all the encounters in this world, she used the wonderful idea of ecstasy to make her point but it has always been spot on. No one can ever have described an orgasm to the unacquainted, and that is certainly how my temper is perceived.

  She hasn’t even stirred and nevertheless, she is the best person I can ever imagine to complete me in this life.

  35

  Justine

  The next morning, I wake to Nick trying to rouse me from my slumber. He is not the first face I want to see not only this morning, but any morning. This is the bad thing about living together—I can’t ignore him. He looks down to my finger, knowing that the ring is gone, and immediately I sense the guilt in his face.

  He is kneeling beside me, attempting to hold my hand but I place them so far away that he will know not to touch me. Finally, he says, “Do you remember me telling you that I had a temper and that I try to keep it at bay? That was my temper last night. It is bad and combative and ruthless. I have no excuse for what I said to you.”

  I am numb. To wonder about Rafe and Hils is one thing, but for my best friend to be in on it is another. My body feels as if a Mac truck crushed me. I am still not over being screamed at out of disdain by the man who claims to love and want to protect me. I stand and walk coldly past him.

  “Justine, are we going to talk about this, honey? I am so sorry.” There is a plea in his voice but it doesn’t stop me from turning from him, averting my gaze because I can’t look at him directly, not yet anyway.

  “I’m shutting down, that is my defense mechanism. Please leave me alone,” I snap.

  “Can you at least put your ring back on?”

  Following me to our room, I turn, not able to say anything, and shut the door in his face. Thirty seconds later I open it, only to place a change of clothes and his bath bag in the hallway, before locking the door behind me.

  I immediately take a shower and enter the living room twenty minutes later. He sits up as if he is going to walk to me. I quickly halt his approach. “I am not ready to talk to you.”

  “Will you come out here and sit with me, at least?”

  “No, I have some errands to run.”

  “Would you like some company?”

  “No!” I shout, stepping toward him with flaring nostrils. My muscles are quivering, and I can feel my heart beat with intensity. I put my hand out again, this time as a warning. I don’t want him near me.

  “Justine…”

  “No, you just stop it. You intentionally went for the jugular yesterday. I told you many times how this bit of information would ruin me. You did it to be mean and spiteful, and that shows me how much I can’t trust you.”

  “Are you saying this is over?” His voice is shaky, and as I search his eyes, they water.

  I only say, drawing out each word for emphasis, “No! I just need time. I need you to give me time.”

  “How? We live together.” Again, he tries to reach for me, as though the human touch will make me crumble. I can’t take this chance. I keep my distance.

  “Don’t pressure me. Stop badgering me,” I say, the hurt dripping from every word I speak.

  “I love you, Justine,” he boldly claims.

  “I love you, too, but you injured me in one of the worst ways ever.” I walk toward the door, stopping for a second as I look back and pause. “You knew my fear of continually being hurt by men in my life. First my dad, then Rafe. But you swore, never you. And now I can confidently add you to the list.” I turn back around and walk straight out the door and to my car. I know where my next stop is.

  Ten minutes later, I pull up into a driveway that houses many cars, along with a boatload of memories. The dinner parties, the kid’s birthday parties that Lorelei had outdone herself with, the many times I would go over to hold one of the babies so Lore could get some deep-cleaning accomplished. The many cups of coffee that were shared over the green antique table that Lore had redone before shabby chic became the “it” factor of home décor.

  Ryan pops his head out of his shop. “Lore is inside, just let yourself in. She has tons of ideas for her new business and for your wedding.” I can’t speak or think about the future; it paralyzes me.

  “Aunt Tine, you’re here!” Matthew attacks me the minute I walk in the room, Marcus seconds behind him. Lorelei is coming down the stairs with a bottle, which tells me she has put Madeline down for a nap.

  “Tine, what a pleasant surprise! I have some free time, and Marcus and Matthew are going to read.”

  My face easily shows my sorrow, and Lorelei quickly sends her boys upstairs. “Justine, you okay, honey?” she asks in her soothing mom voice.

  Sitting at the green table where we shared so much laughter, I blankly stare, not making eye contact with Lorelei.

  “Tine, what is up? You’re scaring me,” she says, stopping to start some coffee.

  “Don’t worry about coffee. I won’t be here long enough,” I say, crass.

  Lore sits down, confused by the harshness in my voice. She sees my hand as she gasps. “Tine, what happened? Why is your ring off?”

  “That is not why I am here,” I respond as tears start flowing down my face. Twenty-four hours ago, I was so happy. I trusted the man whom I thou
ght was going to be my forever.

  “You’re scaring me...what’s up? Are the kids okay?”

  “You knew?” I ask coldly.

  “What? Knew what?” she says, confused.

  “About Hildy and Rafe? You knew?”

  Lorelei’s face twists in a way that tells me all I need to know. It is as if she is a deer in the headlights and is caught. She reaches out to compassionately touch my hand, and I jerk it away immediately. Lorelei continues, though. “You were done with him. You told me you thought he was cheating, and it was better if you didn’t know. You said you both caused so much hurt to one another.”

  “Did you know before I said that, though?” Lore looks away, answering the question silently. “How long?” I ask.

  “Not long, and I had every intention of telling you, but then you bought that house and it was obvious what that meant. You were done with him. I figured for the kids’ sake it was better not to know, and you told me you didn’t care who he was with. I mean, you sort of knew in the back of your mind.”

  “How long did you know, Lore?” I press her harder, and this time she flinches at my tone.

  “Maybe a month or two. I was in a bad spot. It was my sister-in-law’s sister. Rafe and Ryan had always been the best of friends. They tried to keep it from me so I wouldn’t feel in the middle.”

  “You lived with me. We took you in when your father…” I can’t finish the sentence. As pissed as I am with her, I don’t want Lorelei to relive those memories. “Ryan knew? Well of course he did.”

  “No one liked it. Ryan told Rafe he should come clean with you. He warned him this could backfire. Don’t think we were accomplices in all of this. I have told Hildy many times how lucky she is that you became a friend in spite of their poor choices. She loves you. The more she got to know you, the more upset she was at herself that she did this to you.”

  “You chose to be in the middle.”

  “Justine...” This catches my attention; Lorelei rarely calls me by my full name. “You said you didn’t want to know.”

  “I didn’t know you knew, though.” I stand, taking in the scent of her kitchen like it is my last time. I’m not sure who I can trust now. My world has shattered in a million pieces since last night. “We have so much history together. How could you do this? You chose Hildy over me!”

  “Don’t tell me you are willing to throw away thirty-five years of friendship over my poor judgment, for trying to protect you.” She stops. “But honestly, Justine, remember, you kept telling me you never wanted to know about Rafe. That is what you wanted, please remember that.”

  “You chose Hils over me!” I yell. It was much more than just Rafe cheating on me. It was Lore choosing a cheater over me, her best friend.

  “No, that is not true. I love Hils. She has a way of working herself in your life, but she is not you!” Lore yells back.

  “Don’t act like this was for my own good. You made your choice.” Again, I am yelling so loud, I hear Madeline crying from her nap.

  Lorelei insists, “But it was! I swear.”

  Ryan walks in the front door as I am exiting. “Hey, what’s up?” he asks, looking at me and then at his crying wife.

  “How dare you keep this from me?” I say to Ryan, who is now the epitome of confusion. As I continue to walk to the car, Ryan runs out after me.

  “Tine, stop. It wasn’t like that. We wanted to tell you, but you seemed hell-bent on starting over and this would only weigh you down.”

  “Nice one, Ryan. I remember you didn’t like me then. It was probably easy for you.”

  Ryan clarifies quickly, “No, that is not true. I didn’t want to see you hurt. Please don’t take this out on Lorelei. It’s my fault that she even knows.”

  Rolling up my window, I back out quickly, watching Lorelei cry in the doorway on her front porch.

  Pulling away from the Dean house, I opt to avoid Rafe and Hildy’s house like a pap smear and a trip to Wal-Mart. I am too emotional, but I know there is one person I need to get answers from. As I pull up to my parents’ house into the back where parking is, I see my dad is home. This is all I fucking need, though seeing my brother is a welcome distraction.

  Walking through the back door that leads to my mom’s kitchen, I am greeted immediately. “Justine, sweetheart, this is a surprise.” At the mention of my name, my dad peeks his head around the corner before walking into the room.

  “Hey there, I hear congratulations are in order for you. I really like Nick. I don’t know him all that well, but I like him. Sorry I missed the shindig last night.”

  My dad’s words are kind, not condescending like they normally are. “Thanks, Dad.”

  Before I can ask, my mom’s face answers my question. “Lucas got called back to base last night and took the redeye to Virginia. He hated he couldn’t say goodbye to you but he promises he will be back.”

  My heart sinks. Seeing my brother was the highlight from last night and may have been the only good thing that could come from today.

  Immediately, my mom gasps at my ring finger. “Justine, has something happened?”

  “Dad, I need to talk to Mom for a moment.”

  His face droops, but he leans down to give me a peck on the cheek I am not expecting. “I hope that everything is all right. I can tell that Nick is a keeper.”

  Shocked by his kind words, I watch him exit with an emotion lacing my body, giving me remorse for dismissing him like the court jester. My mind must be playing tricks on me due to this cluster fuck that I find myself weaving through. However, handling one more person who is supposed to love me most in the world is not a luxury I can afford. “Mom, did you know that Rafe was sleeping with Hildy when we were still married?”

  These words cut through my mom, who is rinsing off potatoes. She turns, moving in closer toward me, and puts an arm on top of my shoulders. “I didn’t know until you were officially divorced, and I heard Hildy and Lorelei fighting about it. It was at Rose’s twelfth birthday party, I think. I happened upon the conversation.”

  “What did you say?” I inquire.

  “I was honest with them that this would hurt you deeply,” my mom admits.

  “And did you tell them to tell me?”

  “Oh honey, if it were just that simple,” she says, walking over with her comforting tone as though I am seventeen and telling her Michael Baker just broke my heart. “I told Hildy you had suspected and you never wanted to know. I was mad as hell they chose that occasion to talk it over.”

  “So, you knew?”

  “Yes, I did, and if you are mad at me, then so be it. All that is coming from this are hateful memories. You should be mad, but we were just doing what you asked and keeping you from pain.”

  “It is not that simple, Mom,” I say stubbornly.

  “But this part is, Justine. You have every right to be upset with Rafe and even Hildy. But let me tell you, that blond bimbo, as we all first called her, has been the most devoted friend to you. Rafe, who you know was never my favorite or first choice for my strong-willed girl, has become a better father because of Hildy. Granted, I know you have dealt with the brunt of raising them, but in the whole ex-husband scheme, you could have done worse. Now, as for Nick...”

  “How do you know about Nick?”

  “He called me and told me what he did to you,” my mom explains. “Apparently, Ryan called him after your standoff with Lorelei.”

  “And you let me go on like you didn’t know why I was hurting.”

  “I wanted you to be able to get it out in your own way. Now, back to Nick. I can’t tell you that I am happy Nick was so ruthless with you. You had nothing to do with Emma’s situation. He was just hurt and took it out on you. That is inexcusable but forgivable.”

  “Mom, it’s an issue of trust.”

  “I can see that, but sweetie, I have forgiven so much and believe it or not, your father has forgiven me of far worse. It is called commitment. It is not for the faint of heart. You have to understand
though that what you have with Nick is special.” This is the second time my mom has mentioned her relationship with my dad. I want to dig deeper, but I only have room for one drama in my life at a time. I skip this subject for now.

  However, all the other words she has spoken start to sink in. It is funny how the maternal wisdom of a mom is still needed at the ripe old age of almost forty. “Somehow, Mom, you made me see things clearer, but I am not ready to talk about it with Nick.”

  “Honey, you and he are moving quick, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing. You tend to overanalyze when you get close to someone, which is rare because you don’t let people in. I think he is good for you.”

  My mom hit every point in her argument, and I am thankful for the words she has spoken. I give her another hug and walk toward my car to head home.

  Out in the car, I look at my cell. I have twenty missed calls and more than thirty texts. Hildy has reached out the most. No, I am not ready for that conversation, I internally decide. Then I see the several calls from Nick. I can’t now, I think, I have no choice but to see him soon. I wince as I see Emma’s name on my screen. I need to call her back ASAP. Ryan and Lorelei were among the many phone calls, along with Kai and Annette. How in the world does Annette know about this?

  I text Kai first. Kids should not have to worry about their parents. I then call Emma. She answers on the first ring.

  “Justine, I am fucking pissed off at my dad right now. Are you all right?” She doesn’t take a breath at all.

  “Yes, sweetie, I am fine and didn’t want this many people to know or worry about this fight of ours.”

  “I am sorry, this is all my fault.” Emma is crying uncontrollably.

  “How is it your fault, honey? Your dad’s choices are his own,” I say, now mad as hell again at Nick for making his daughter feel like shit.

  “No, I made you keep it from him.” Emma is adamant.