Unfiltered Read online

  “I know what you meant and I don’t need to think about it,” he sneers, walking away pouting like a four-year-old.

  We tease off the angst of teenagers and she chides, “You got off easy with only one child.”

  “Yes, Emma was hard but I would not give her up for a million dollars. You’ll feel that way one day, I promise.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Remind me of that in our old age.” And that fills me with hope that we are building to something deep and long lasting.

  26

  Justine

  I watch Kai as he mopes all Saturday afternoon. He is sitting on the bench outside waiting for his dad to pick him and his sister up and I sit down next to him. I lean over and stroke his arm like I did when he was younger after a bad baseball game. He looks like a lost puppy. “Hey, listen, son, she will be back up here for Christmas. You like her, don’t you?”

  His voice cracks as he speaks. “Mom, I don’t just fall for random girls. I am not like that.”

  “Yes, Kai, I know that about you.”

  “And I don’t want to hear anyone saying this is a rebound from Jocelyn.”

  “I wasn’t even thinking of that, honey,” I promise.

  “I dated Joss two years and it hurt when she broke up with me. I know it’s only been less than a week with Jane but I think she’s the one.”

  “Maybe, but honey, you are so young.”

  “Mom, just because you’re old doesn’t mean you have a moratorium on love at first sight.”

  A chuckle so deep in my chest escapes my mouth. “Old? Really, Kai?”

  “Mom, you know what I mean.”

  “Yes, Nick was the last thing I was expecting and it’s wonderful. I know I am not the only person that deserves to find this sort of connection. You do, too, but it’s different being older. I’m not downplaying your feelings for her, though, I can see it in your eyes.”

  “Please don’t dismiss this as a normal teen thing,” Kai pleads.

  “No, honey, and don’t worry, you will see her again.” Determined to comfort my son, I take his hand in mine.

  “Would Annette ever let Jane live with Nick?” he asks, hopeful.

  “As a mother myself, I would say probably not.”

  “Well, it was worth a shot.”

  “I guess so, kiddo.” Giving him a hug, I place a quick kiss on his cheek. “I love you, sweetie.”

  “You’re not so bad yourself, Mom.”

  I have Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers cranked, listening to “Last Dance with Mary Jane” as I’m getting ready for dinner with Lore and Ryan when Nick enters the house. Turning down the music, he says, “Honey, I will start the steaks once they arrive. That way, Ryan can come with me to grill, while I get to know him better and give you and Lorelei time to chat.”

  “Okay, are you sure?” I ask, raising an eyebrow. This dinner party has me on edge because it is Ryan and me. We mix like oil and water.

  “Do you think I’m going to piss him off?” Nick asks.

  “Well, as liberal as I am, he is just as conservative.”

  “Well, I am a moderate so I’m not so concerned about it.”

  “That’s it, I found your one flaw!” I say, laughing at him, walking up to him as he folds me in his arms.

  “Oh, that’s what you call a flaw, huh? Let me investigate a flaw of yours.” He pulls me close, tickling me. The two of us are laughing so hard we don’t hear the doorbell.

  Lorelei, hearing our shrieks, enters in a state of panic. “Tine?”

  “Lore, hey, come in. We were just horsing around.”

  “See, Lore,” Ryan starts, “I told you she wasn’t being hurt. They were just having fun, but apparently we barged in before they could have too much fun.” Looking at Nick, Ryan extends his hand toward him. “It is nice to finally meet Tine’s new man. I am Ryan Dean.”

  Nick chuckles, knowing the way that men’s minds work. He puts down his whisky and extends his hand. “I’m Nick, nice to meet you, Ryan.”

  “I have known Tine for many years and never seen her so happy. Maybe we will actually get along better now that she’s met that special someone.” He stops for a second. “Yeah, that sounded much better in my mind.”

  “That’s okay, I think I will take that as a compliment,” I say, flashing him a sincere smile.

  “Ryan, I have some steaks to put on over at my house. Why don’t we let the ladies chat and have a beer while we grill some dead cow?”

  I witness Ryan pull his wife in for a sincere kiss as Lore releases an appreciative sigh. This is something that is very rare for him to do in front of people. It was always one of Lorelei’s biggest pet peeves and the only thing she ever spoke to me about when it came to their marriage. “Have fun catching up.”

  I shout as they leave, “Watch out, Ryan; he is a moderate.”

  Ryan then is heard razzing Nick, “That is even worse than a liberal, if that’s possible.”

  I look at my best friend. “You look great. What’s up?”

  As we settle on the couch with a glass of wine each, she says, “Oh, where to begin...well, you remember that night, right? The night you picked up Margarite and Ryan came out to talk to you?” She looks down at the floor as she says, “You know, Tine, Ryan and I don’t have a perfect marriage, not even close, but I love him. He is my world. I know he can be an ass at times but I love him regardless. But after he talked to you that night, he told me he had to change.”

  “Really?” I ask.

  “It is like a one-hundred-and-eighty-degree turnaround for him. He told me later that he spoke to you and said that you both were just clearing the air.” She smiles and I see a completely different Lore sitting in front of me. “When he admitted his shortcomings to you about himself, it made him think ‘why am I sharing this with someone else and not trying to change them for the woman I love and who takes care of me?’ One reason he came tonight is that he knows you are one of the most important people in my life. Now, I have no illusions you will be best friends or anything, but he is trying—being more affectionate, more sensitive to my needs. Oh, and Tine, let me tell you, the sex, my goodness. It is mind blowing on so many deep levels.”

  I giggle silently to myself. I have never known Lorelei to be so descriptive of what she coined once as “a private experience to be only enjoyed by two consenting adults.” Meaning, it is nobody else’s business and she would never share intimate details of that part of her life. “Lore, you have never ever spoken of your sex life before. If it wasn’t for your kids, I would have never known that you partake in coital bliss.”

  “Yes, I know; I am your friend, the prude,” she teases, taking another sip of her wine. “But speaking of sex and relationships, what is up with you and the doctor?” I only smile.

  “Um, well…” I think Lorelei will flip over me even entertaining the idea of moving in with Nick. “He wants to move in together.”

  “What?” Lorelei gasps.

  “I know it’s moving fast and part of me is fine with it, but the other part is scared shitless.” I look down at Lorelei’s glass. “Lore, you need a refill on that wine.” Standing to walk to the dining room table where the bottle of wine is, she follows me, holding out her wine glass waiting for more.

  With more Riesling in her cup, we are both standing in the dining room now as she replies, “Now that I have more wine, I can take this all in.” She smiles. “So, what is the hold up, Tine? He is great for you.”

  As I start sharing my insecurities with Lorelei, everything I have felt before starts to melt away and I am left without a reason, except maybe one. “I thought I had so many cons as to why this is a bad idea but honestly, the only one I can come up with is we have known each other just shy of a couple of months.”

  Lorelei puts down her wine, which means she finds this a serious subject. She takes a hold of my hand. “If anyone is super cautious, it is myself. But, honey, this is a new you and I am convinced that man of yours has everything to do with it.” She pauses. “
You trust him, right?”

  “Yes, weirdly I do.”

  “And, Tine, you trust few men, I get that after your dad and Rafe. He is good for you!”

  Lorelei is correct. Rafe and my dad are responsible for the insomnia and anxiety that has gripped me for years. Yet, with Nick, I never experienced this. I thought they were solely responsible for dissolving my trust in men for good. Or at least I thought it was for good until Nick became a staple in my life.

  The timer for the potatoes sounds as the men walk back in the house with the smell of steak wafting around them. I slyly ask, “So, what did you guys talk about?” I carry the au gratin potatoes out to the dining room table, feeling almost domesticated.

  “Sports,” Ryan states. “I told Nick he has to consider dumping those damn Forty-Niners and get on board with some real football.”

  “Once a fan, always a fan,” he says, teasing Ryan a bit.

  I walk into the kitchen as Ryan grabs a beer out of the fridge. “Tine,” Ryan says quietly, “I really like Nick. He is crazy about you.”

  I see something different in Ryan Dean as I whisper, “Speaking of that, I am not sure what you are doing to Lorelei, but keep it up. She looks fantastic,” I remark.

  Smiling wide, he says, “I plan to.” Then I remember Lorelei’s remark about the sex. Of course—he is a man and he would continue this course of action for this very reason.

  After dinner and dessert, Lorelei says, “I hate to run so early, but I know Hildy and Rafe are tired from their drive. Since Rose doesn’t have her car, one of us has to take her home. I hope she gets her car back soon for my own selfish reasons,” hints Lorelei.

  “Rose has shown some real maturity plus believe it or not, I am in love with that boy of hers. I guess knowing he respects her wishes in the sex department goes a long way.” I look over at Ryan as he cringes at the idea of Rose being sexually active. “I know, Ryan, this is hard for you to hear.” Ryan is close to my kids, like I am to his and Lore’s kids. I know he loves Rose and Kai very much.

  Ryan shrugs. “It is. I can’t imagine being cool with any guy touching my little Madeline. But with Kai, it wasn’t as if I told him ‘good job’ when he told me about him and Joss. It wasn't a punch in the gut, as it was with Rose.” Pausing, he continues, “I know Mads is only six months old but the thought of this situation gives me anxiety overload. Oh Lord, I don’t even want to fathom that.”

  Lorelei gives her husband a dirty look. “Madeline, not Mads. I hate that!”

  “Sorry, honey, she looks like a Mads.” He laughs.

  Nick interjects. “I have a girl. She’s twenty-six. I felt the same way. Emma announced to me ever so casually as I was dropping her off at school one day that she had sex with her boyfriend. Let me tell you, in that moment, I thought I was going to vomit.”

  Ryan cringes again but then says, “All right, sweetie, let’s get home because the sooner I get back from Rafe’s, the sooner I can get you to bed.” I welcome this sight, Ryan flirting with his wife.

  As we say goodnight, I hug Ryan and whisper in his ear, “You keep doing what you’re doing to Lore and I will be more than civil. Hell, I may even be nice,” I say, laughing.

  The second Ryan and Lorelei leave, I snuggle up on the couch. Nick quickly declares, “I will have a hard time relaxing if the kitchen is not clean, so let’s tag team. We will be done in fifteen minutes and can sit down and start talking. I know it’s late, but I want to start the rest of our life together tonight.” I want to wait since I am exhausted and a few dishes in the sink never bothers me. I moan at the idea of work right now, but this is part of compromise, like picking out a washing machine, which I have always fucking hated but it is necessary.

  27

  Nick

  The idea of going one more night without my intentions known fully by my girlfriend is going to cause me not to sleep. Though this is a serious subject that makes me break out in sweat, nervous by her imagined reaction. I specifically sit caddy corner from her on the loveseat, which is uncharacteristic for me. I usually sit as close as I can get without crawling onto her skin. She has not given me an answer about moving in together and we are going to dissect the subject tonight.

  Looking at her, still unsure how to start this conversation, I delve in. “Are you really that uncertain of us?”

  “No, it’s not that. I’m not uncertain of us, I am uncertain of me, of me ruining this by being, well, me!”

  Leaning forward, with an affliction of righteous anger fueling me, I snap, “I fucking hate when you put yourself down like that, Justine.” Her eyes instantly shift in dilation over my brashness, which has never been shown to her.

  “Whoa, watch the temper there, buddy,” she says as a warning. “Don’t you see? I am scared that I will be the one to screw this up, that is all,” she says, her hands shaking. I grab them to calm to her.

  “I am doing all I can to show you I am not like those that abandoned you in the past. Don’t you see that?” I look away, trying to not attach myself to the hurt in her eyes placed by others, but I am not the one who placed all that crap there. “I haven’t had a lot of long-lasting relationships. You once told me that you suspected Rafe stepped out on you well before you left him.”

  She looks down, as if she is silently telling me she hates the direction of this conversation. “Yes, that is true.”

  “I think this is affecting you more than you’re willing to admit. And sure, this relationship of ours is moving fast, but I think when you are our age, you just don’t care about the petty shit you do when you are twenty. We have something special, Justine.”

  “Yes, I agree.”

  “But you’re still scared,” I press for an answer.

  “Hell yes, I am scared. You came out of nowhere right when I wrote off being able to love again.”

  “You are too damn proud of a woman. You don’t have to act all macho with me.”

  “But I have had to do just that for so long. Rafe was a shitty husband and a really shitty dad until Hildy came around. And how do you think that made me feel? He wouldn’t change for the kids or myself but with her, he did. Which I guess is good, she wouldn’t put up with the half-assed dad stuff. But he wouldn’t change for me. So yes, I have been on my own, even during our marriage.”

  “And that has made you the mom and woman you are today. But more so, honey, that has affected how you let someone love you. I am not Rafe and you are not alone anymore.”

  “So, what does that mean?” she asks skeptically.

  “I’m not leaving you. I’m here and we are going to make this work because I love you. I can’t see growing old with anyone else but you. So please let your guard down when it comes to me.”

  Justine is not one to cry but she has let her exterior hardness down and tears are openly flowing. “I never thought I needed to hear those words before, but it is such a relief to hear them from you,” she says.

  I kneel in front of her and bring her to the floor with me. “Let me take on that burden. Can you believe me when I say I won’t leave you? No matter how much you push me away, you are stuck with me.”

  “Yes,” she says as I embrace her. In that moment, I feel every worry receding from her body because she has found her person and I have found mine.

  Later that night, we lie in each other’s arms. This is a level of comfort I have never felt with another person. I love to lay naked, skin-to-skin to be as close to Justine as possible. “I want you to tell me one deep thing about you. Just one, and I will do the same thing.”

  “Anything?” she asks, looking into my eyes.

  “Yes,” I say without asking her anything. “I just want to understand you better. Something you don’t tell anyone about.”

  She lies in silence for a while as I just let her think, rubbing her bare stomach.

  She leans over to her side as I flip to my back. She is hesitant, staring at me as I quietly wait. This is hard for her as I watch her tension-filled expression. “My dad hasn�
��t always been an ass. He was quite attentive when I was young. I miss that. I look at Rafe with his dad and they are the best of friends. I wonder why my dad can’t be who he was at one time.”

  I don’t bring it up the night before but besides Rafe, Jim Staudle is another reason she has a problem with commitment. “Why do you think that all of a sudden he flipped a switch and he changed?”

  “I am not sure. I mean, my dad hasn’t had the easiest life. My grandpa died in the Korean War, leaving him fatherless in a time where being a single mom was even harder than it is now. Grandma Staudle did her best. Both he and my Uncle Justin were drafted, my uncle died in the war, and dad never got over that. They were tight.”

  “Your uncle was named Justin? I assume…”

  “Yes, I was named for him. I know there is more, a lot more to the story. Gladys let it slip at my appointment last month that I don’t know how hard it’s been on my dad. So, I guess I should give him a reprieve, but he has hurt me so much through the years.” Reading my face, she corrects herself, “Oh, honey, he never hurt me physically. Do you think I would have put up with that? I mean if I were Lore, her dad would have been dead.” I nod in agreement, understanding that is certainly the truth.

  “Justine, do you think he may be one reason you push people…”

  Before I can finish my question, she says, “Yes, that is one reason I push those I love away like I do. I am scared. What if I inherited that extra mean gene? I am mean but what happens if I am extra mean, like asshole mean?”

  I clarify, “There was something in life that made him this way, a circumstance, and I am sure it was traumatic but that is never the reason to treat those you love like shit.” I pause. “I mean, losing my parents, that is something that has changed me and it led me to a path I am not proud of, with my tendency to lose my temper at a rate that you can’t believe. I have learned to combat it. I am not perfect and you will see it one day, but I try to keep it at bay.”